Girl Infertile

http://vitals.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/05/17/18322994-new-ivf-method-uses-time-lapse-snapshots-to-boost-live-births?lite

The title says it all.  The FET cycle also did not result in a pregnancy.  Like the failed IVF, I’ve had a few rough days but am feeling better.  My husband and I have relocated to China.  I’m typing this from my desk at the school we were hired to work at.  Not being pregnant gives us lots of opportunities to travel that wouldn’t be otherwise possible.  We are actually considering only spending 6 months or so here and then relocating to Cambodia or even Myanmar.  Since we don’t have to worry much about getting pregnant there are lots of possibilities for travel and fun, which is what we need now.

I wanted to volunteer at an orphanage here and wherever we are.  I’m not quite sure how to get started.  We need to settle in first I think.  Then, I’ll breech the topic with my coworkers to see what the possibilities are.  I’m also no sure if I want to bring up our infertility here.  I was fiercely private about it in the states.  Hence, my need to blog and have an outlet.  I’m considering being more open about it here.  I know I’ve written that I think TCM is mostly bullshit.   However, now that I’m here, I’m somewhat curious about what sort of path infertility treatment takes.  Not speaking Chinese, the only way I could pursue it would be with the help of a coworker.

So in sum, still infertile, still hopeful, but taking a long (at least a year) break to travel and enjoy being child free.  I’ll still be posting on here, especially if I can get into a orphanage or pursue IF treatment Far East style.

In sum, that sucked.  I’ve had some time to cool off and am feeling a lot better, but there were a few dark days.  I know that I thought I had made peace with the possibility of IVF failure before starting.  The thing is it’s so much easier to be at peace with something when it’s still a hypothetical.  When it becomes reality, everything looks different.

A few weeks of time passing has given me a better perspective and I’m back to all the logical conclusions I had previously drawn.  I still have several good child bearing years ahead of me.  I have nothing medically wrong with me.  I have 5 high grade embryos on ice.  I am still committed to not beating my head against the infertility wall.  If none of these 5 embryos take, we’ll move full force to adoption.

I’m also still relocating to China at the beginning of May.  We are moving to a smaller town about an hour away from Shanghai.  We will be working in a private school.  As soon as we get settled in, I’m going to be actively pursuing volunteer opportunities in whatever orphanages or facilities that I can get access to.

But before that, I’m fitting in a FET cycle.  As long as my lining cooperates it’s scheduled for 04/23.

Another negative HPT today.  I went in for my beta, but my clinic doesn’t give results until after the second beta.  My second one is Friday.  I’m so tempted to stop taking all the meds.  I’m sick of taking medicine.

I’m going to email my clinic about the FET timeline.  I know I said I was going to wait, but now I have a new sense of urgency.  I’d like to get a FET in right away because I’m moving.  To China.  That’s right.  I’m moving to China.

I need a change.  I need a break.  I’m just so frustrated and sick of all of this.  My husband and I have taught English abroad before and we both decided to take a year and do it again.  We are going to travel and de-stress and try to get a fresh perspective on this.  Also, they do a lot of international adoptions and I’d like to see what that’s like from a boots on the ground perspective.  As in, actually volunteer at an orphanage and get a first hand view of what’s going on.

I know that sounds crazy, but I feel crazy.

BFN. BFN. BFN.

I tested today.  It was negative.  I’m surprisingly devastated.  Just so so disappointed.  All this effort, time and resources for nothing.  It’s funny because I finally started having symptoms this weekend.  I had cramping all day on Saturday and then more on Sunday.  Remember that little flame of hope that I wanted so much?  It was finally there.

Now, even though I’ve been googling all morning and know that the chances of this FRER converting from a BFN to a BFP this far along is slim to none, I’m finding that hope hard to kill. It’s like a vampire.  Even though I delivered a death blow this morning with the negative, it’s like I also need to severe it’s head and drive a stake through it’s heart to really kill it.  I’m seriously considering testing over my lunch break.  I have no idea why.  I have my beta tomorrow.  I really don’t want to go.

I really don’t want to through a pity party over this, but seriously.

My boobs are not sore.

I am not tired.

I feel nothing remarkable in my womb area.

I have no extra smell sense.

I do not have a headache and am not dizzy.

I’ve been taking Endometrin suppositories for nearly a week now.  How are my boobs not even sore?  I feel like I’m being cheated out of being able to ignite a least a tiny flame of hope.  I’ve got nothing.  Did the embryo die immediately?   Was it already dead when it went in?  I just don’t get this.

Well, I’m 3dp5dt and already feeling impatient / negative / obsessive.  I have no symptoms at all.  I’m assuming the worst.  I realize it’s still early, but the blast was already 5 days old, so by now I would technically be 8 days into a pregnancy.  I feel like most people have at least some symptoms by now.

I trying to focus my attention on detox and recovery.  This process has been undoubtedly stressful on my body.  I feel bad for my poor kidneys having to process all those pharmaceuticals.  I’ve been drinking a lot of water and eating tons of fresh veggies and fruit.  Today I’m officially off any sort of “rest” regiment.  It’s a beautiful day here.  So I’m looking forward to taking a long walk on my lunch break.

Transfer complete!  We transferred one AA blast yesterday.  There were 5 left to freeze.  The only thing I’m a little disappointed about was that the one we transferred, the best one, was an ICSI one.  Oh well, you can’t control it all.

So that’s it.  I’m am done with IVF.  If we come out with nothing from this fresh cycle plus the 5 frozen ones, I’m at peace with not have a biological child.  I have no intention of going through the full process again.

Also, I think we will take our time with the FETs.  I don’t think we will do more than 1 or 2 a year until we run out of embryos if nothing takes.   I have this huge sense of relief that I’ve stopped the biological clock.  The pressure’s off.   I’ll get older, but those frostie little embryos will stay the same age.

Here’s the facts:

19 eggs retrieved

14 eggs fertilized – 8 conventional, 6 ICSI

14 eggs survived – Conventional:  5 AA, 2 AB, 1 BB / ICSI : 3 AA, 2 AB, 1 BB

We will be doing a 5 day transfer on Monday.  I’m planning on a single conventionally fertilized embryo.

I’m over 48 hours past the egg retrieval and still recovering.  It was much worse than I expected.  They retrieved a lot of eggs.  So it’s too be expected that I would be on the rougher side of the experience.  The first day I was absolutely miserable.  I could not lie down.  I had to sit up a bit in bed.  I could not lie on either side.  I had pain from my lower abdomen all the way up to the top of my shoulders.  I was seriously wondering if something had gone wrong.

I woke up yesterday feeling a bit better.  I still had pain in my lower abdomen and extreme bloating, but the shooting pains in my shoulders was gone.  I had planned on going to work, but there was no way that was happening.  I stayed in bed and took a couple of naps.

Today I feel better still, but not great.  The bloating is relentless.  I can barely eat because I immediately become uncomfortably full.  Pooping is incredibly painful.  Driving is also painful from the pressure of the seat belt against my stomach and the jarring of going over bumps.  I really had no idea it was going to be this bad.  I have no idea why they tell people they only need a day to recover.

I triggered last night at 9.  My retrieval is tomorrow at 9 AM.  I’m still having some anxiety about this process.  I reserve the right to change my mind, but I don’t think I will do this again.  If we don’t get pregnant from the fresh or, if possible, FET cycles that result from this fresh cycle, we will focus our attention on adoption.

It’s not that this has been a hard process from almost any perspective.  I haven’t had any real side effects.  The appointments haven’t interfered with my work schedule.  Financially, things are settling in as expected.  It’s this increased risk of birth defects that I just can’t quite put aside.  No baby is better than a sick baby.  Because of this, I think we’ll be taking a conservative route in regard to ICSI & # of embryos.  Right now my thoughts are that if there are more than 10 eggs mature, then we will go 50/50 for the IVF / ICSI and hope to have a good IVF embryo to transfer for the fresh cycle.  Also, we will almost certainly be only transferring a single embryo.  I do not want twins and the increased health risk to the babies.